Torchwood IMs: Gwen has Flu

[a_silver_story]

Title: Gwen has Flu
Chapter: 76
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour, smut
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: See title, really.


FIRST PART | Ianto and Gwen's IM's


PREVIOUS | Torchwood Index/Masterlist





76 |






GWEN has entered the conversation


GWEN: When we get back to work tomorrow, you *make* Jack enable the instant messenger or I swear to God: I will kill him, then I’ll kill him again!

MR JONES: *sigh*
MR JONES: Just repeat e-mail people. That’s what me and Jack have been doing.

GWEN: It’s not instant though, is it? Make him bring it back!

MR JONES: I’ll talk to him. See if I can make him give in to his addiction to the instant message.

GWEN: Why did he do this to us? Whyyyyyyyy?

MR JONES: Because we’re supposed to be protecting the Earth, not spending three hours trying to decide between yourself and your significant other whether to have chicken or lamb for tea.

GWEN: *hmph* well some days are just slow.

MR JONES: I know. But we’re home and safe and online now :)

GWEN: Yay! ‘Tis rare for you to be at home ^_^

MR JONES: Aye. But I’m making a point.

GWEN: Oh?

MR JONES: Okay ... I’ll admit that the pro-IM ban stuff I spouted earlier was all bollocks. I’ve told Jack I’m not staying at the hub until we get IM back.

GWEN: You’re putting Captain Jack Harkness under a sex ban????
GWEN: Oh dear God.
GWEN: I want IMs back ... but ... not so badly I’ll have to suffer sexually frustrated!Jack again ...

MR JONES: Since when did you experience sexually frustrated!Jack?

GWEN: When you went to Australia for three weeks!

MR JONES: Ohhhh yeah. Sorry about that. I didn’t realise how grumpy he was going to get ...

GWEN: Yeah. And when he starts to get ‘grumpy’ again, you can just bugger off to the Tourist Centre or the Archives and leave me to deal with him!

MR JONES: Being an Archivist has its perks ...

GWEN: Please, Ianto!
GWEN: I’ll do your dry-cleaning for a week ^_^

MR JONES: LMAO!
MR JONES: As if I’d trust you with my dry cleaning!
MR JONES: I mean ... I’m really finicky with dry cleaning, so maybe not that.

GWEN: Cheeky bugger!

MR JONES: :P

GWEN: What can I do?

MR JONES: Nothing. I need to stand my ground on this.

GWEN: It’s a dilemma. I want IMs, but I don’t want grumpy Jack, but I can’t have IM’s without grumpy Jack ...

MR JONES: I could just put on the record you’ve got “flu-like symptoms” and tell him you’re quarantined for swine flu for a week.

GWEN: You devious bastard! Brilliant!
GWEN: ... wouldn’t Rhys need to be quarantined, too? ;)

MR JONES: Just to be on the safe side, I suppose he’d have to be.

GWEN: Terrible shame.

MR JONES: Heartbreakingly, depressingly, despairingly sad.

GWEN: ^_^ Thanks, Ianto!

MR JONES: No problem. Now you really do need some bed-rest, you poor, flu-addled little doll!

GWEN: Yessir!



GWEN has left the conversation



JACK: She fell for it!
JACK: A week for just us – barring all world-ending scenarios.

MR JONES: At what point should I tell her IMs have been back online since six, and that I’m actually in the Tourist Office and not in my flat?

JACK: *shrugs*
JACK: Just before you pass out from sexual exhaustion?

MR JONES: Friday then? ;)

JACK: Muaha.
JACK: Yantoeeeeessss.
JACK: Come downstairs ...

MR JONES: What for?

JACK: Sex, basically. Then afterwards we can go down to our room and ... experiment with the mysteries of the Orient ...

MR JONES: Godammit. I have so many things to file!

JACK: Damn ... but surely you’ve got being fucked while filing down to an art by now!

MR JONES: :P I’m only kidding. I finished everything half an hour ago.

JACK: And you kept me waiting! Tut tut!

MR JONES: *bad self*
MR JONES: I’m gonna pack up and make my way down x

JACK: Yayness!
JACK: xxx

MR JONES: Oo! Before I go: did you look at that report I gave you about Janet’s behaviour?

JACK: Yeah.

MR JONES: ... and?

JACK: ‘... and’ what?

MR JONES: What did you think?

JACK: It was excellent as always, Ianto! :D

MR JONES: Do you agree, though?

JACK: Absolutely.

MR JONES: So what do you think we should do about it?

JACK: Give it some time, see what happens. *shrugs*

MR JONES: “Give it some time, see what happens.”
MR JONES: You didn’t even read the fucking thing did you????

JACK: I did!

MR JONES: What was it about, then?

JACK: Janet’s behaviour.

MR JONES: What about Janet’s behaviour?

JACK: I did read it! I just read a few things since then and most of it’s slipped out of my brain ...

MR JONES: I spent *ages* on that!
MR JONES: It was a follow-up to mine and Owen’s research into whether the Weevils are mutating or evolving!
MR JONES: It could be important, Jack! Janet appears to leaning basic obedience behaviours – and she could have only learnt that from us humans! What if other Weevils are learning, too? What if they observe some drunkards on a Friday night fighting and think *that’s* how you behave towards a human being – what if Weevil attacks and fatalities rise because we didn’t take action soon enough?

JACK: What – exactly – are we supposed to do about what a free Weevil ‘learns’?

MR JONES: Well if you’d read my report ... YOU’D KNOW THAT!
MR JONES: Gawwwd even Myfanwy would have spent longer looking at my report than you did!

JACK: Hey! I’m a really busy guy! I have to juggle running Torchwood, field missions, liaison, training and make time for you! Have you noticed that we’re constantly having to steal time together because my work gets in the way? Your work can be set aside for later – I more than accept you don’t like doing that, but it’s true! – and I’m trying my best here! For Gwen, for Toshiko, for Owen, for Suzie – for the whole goddamn planet – and for you!

MR JONES: What about Alice?

JACK: Who’s Alice?

MR JONES: She lives in Langham House. Every month, like clockwork, a substantial payment goes from the Torchwood account to hers in your name. I was waiting for you to tell me why, but after three years even I’m getting impatient.

JACK: How do you know about that? What are you? Stalker?

MR JONES: I do the Torchwood accounts. Do you honestly think I’d miss that? You weren’t exactly hiding it.

JACK: I’m guessing you did your research. Found out everything you could.

MR JONES: Nope.
MR JONES: I left it.
MR JONES: I left it, thinking one day you might feel the need to come clean.

JACK: Come clean?
JACK: Ianto, who do you think she is?

MR JONES: I don’t know. She has a son ... I assumed that maybe he was yours.

JACK: I thought you didn’t do any research?

MR JONES: I came across some stuff – totally by accident.

JACK: You promise you won’t freak out?

MR JONES: I can try my best.

JACK: She’s my daughter – and she’s older than you are. Stephen is my grandson.

MR JONES: Oh. Right.

JACK: Freaking out?

MR JONES: No ... just ... I thought that maybe I’d end up with some competition from some ex-girlfriend and mother-of-your-child who I could never match up to ... and the concept of kinda being a step-parent and not knowing is a little ... Rhiannon-y.

JACK: I’m sorry.
JACK: Alice and Stephen ... they’re a different life. I hardly ever see them.

MR JONES: Why?

JACK: Alice asked me to stay away. I’m dangerous.

MR JONES: Oh. I’m guessing she knows about the not dying thing, then? And Torchwood?

JACK: Her mother was Torchwood. She practically grew up in the hub. Never got a taste for the life, though. And her mother would have tied me up in the basement with a tennis ball machine constantly hitting me if I’d ever let her join.

MR JONES: What happened to her mam?

JACK: Heart failure.

MR JONES: Oh. Sorry *hugs*

JACK: *hugs back*

MR JONES: When did you last see Alice?

JACK: Nearly a year ago.

MR JONES: You shouldn’t let her slip away, Jack. She’s your daughter.

JACK: So I just turn up on her doorstep with a big grin, telling her my new good-looking, younger-than-you boyfriend told me I should do?

MR JONES: If it reminds her you’re still part of her life, go for it. And what about Stephen? What does he know about you?

JACK: He thinks I’m his uncle.

MR JONES: They why don’t you spend time with him – before he realises you don’t age?

JACK: Aren’t you gonna be weirded out by that a bit? “Can’t chat now, chino. Gotta push my grandson on the swings. No I haven’t forgotten you’re twenty six in two months!”

MR JONES: Fine, fine. Whatever. It’s his life you’re missing out on. *shrugs*

JACK: Stop it.
JACK: ... you’d really be okay with me spending time with Stephen instead of you?

MR JONES: Not at all. I get you during the working day :)

JACK: Maybe I could introduce you to him and Alice. I met your family, after all.

MR JONES: ... one step at a time. Very slow, small steps.
MR JONES: I think maybe you should get yourself reacquainted with your family first.

JACK: Yeah but if I turn up with you on my arm, Stephen will forever link us together as Uncle Jack and Uncle Ianto

MR JONES: Uncle Ianto. Great.

JACK: How about Friday?

MR JONES: Woahhhh let me think about it!

JACK: You hardly gave me chance to think about meeting your family ...

MR JONES: Ohhh fine, fine.
MR JONES: Anyways ... I’m still mad you didn’t read my report.

JACK: I sowwi

MR JONES: I think I may have to come downstairs and make you sorry.

JACK: I’d hate that. I’d really ... really ... hate that ...

MR JONES: I’ll hate having to do it. It’s such a tough job, but I don’t think I trust anyone else with it.

JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come.

MR JONES: ... *ahem*
MR JONES: I beg your pardon?

JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come ... please?

MR JONES: Get your trousers down ... I’m on my way xx

JACK: I haven’t been wearing trousers for about two minutes.

MR JONES: That’s because the spidery-mouse things stole them.

JACK: Spidery-mice??? Where are the spidery-mice?????

MR JONES: Muauhahaha! x

JACK: XxX








FIN








Did anyone else watch "Clive Anderson's The Funny Side of ... Animals" on the BBC the other day? Did you spot the cute lil doggy called Ianto? D'awww he was coot!











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Comments

[electrictoes.livejournal.com]

Brilliant, as always.

Look forward to seeing what happens next. Ianto meeting Alice & Steven? That could be cool! :D

Loved this bit; “Can’t chat now, chino. Gotta push my grandson on the swings. No I haven’t forgotten you’re twenty six in two months!”

[candi-apple-red.livejournal.com]

Somewhere out there is a cute doggy named Ianto? *squee!*

Ah, Gwen. Silly girl. At least this way she and Rhys get some time together, while Jack and Ianto get time away from Gwen. :D

So happy to get a new fix. Err, I mean installment.

[zsazsa4168.livejournal.com]

Me like. Especially interesting the way you've included Alice and Stephen. What will they make of Ianto?

Watching BBC America tonight. They're starting Torchwood again, from the beginning. And about 4 times an hour there's a 15 second commercial with Gwen yelling, "I catch aliens!" Then four images of her with the words "Gwen Cooper. Torchwood."

It's like the whole lot of them are stuck on the planet JustDon'tGetIt.

[woani21.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that I don't live in the UK then. I still haven't worked up the emotional resolve to watch any Torchwood again after you know what in July.
If this "I'm Gwen Cooper! I catch aliens!" crap is an indication what series 4 will likely be, then I hope Gwen and Torchwood fall flat on their faces.

[facade-expert.livejournal.com]

Hi!
I've been lurking in the background for some time and I thought I'd comment.

I LOVE this series. You write Jack and Ianto so well I can actually "hear" them... and if you're still following my rant I applaud you.

P.S. Do we get to read the Shibari Jack promised from the previous part?

[unrequited1984.livejournal.com]

oh a week to themselves... whatever will they do with all that time??? *giggles*

i loved the introduction of alice and stephen to the storyline, very interested to see how they'll fit in! great installment!

[rosy5000.livejournal.com]

lol Gwen falls for just about anything, doesn't she? Though... if I was given a week off work for a fake illness, I'd take it too. lol

JACK: Yayness!

The image of Jack actually saying that, has me giggling like crazy. hehe

Evil!Ianto teasing with spider-mice! lol I lurves him so.

[griza.livejournal.com]

Hey! It took me ages to teach Janet basic behaviour! THey stole my research!;-)

Ianto is eeeevil with the spidery-mice but I do think it's funny that Jack is scared of them...

Interesting with Alice and Steven showing up in the IM-verse. I wonder what Alice and Ianto will make of it all:)

[likemycoffee.livejournal.com]

Ooh - yay Alice and Stephen. Methinks Alice will not be too happy to have a step father younger than she is. Good job:)

[sweet-minion.livejournal.com]

Yeah but if I turn up with you on my arm, Stephen will forever link us together as Uncle Jack and Uncle Ianto

awwwwww :)


your fanfic is one of those that keep me in the tw-fandom after S3!

*love*

[cutehasi.livejournal.com]

before I read the chapter I have to say: awwwwwwww the background/side/whatever-graphic is soooooooo cute!!!!! ^w^

[cutehasi.livejournal.com]

Now the real comment:
Love it!
Ianto and Jack are so evil!!! In a good way! Poor Gwen, she's so naive! xD *giggles*

Like the family-talking-stuff! ^^
And of course: JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come.

MR JONES: ... *ahem*
MR JONES: I beg your pardon?

JACK: Get down here and rim me ‘til I come ... please?

ROFL!!

As always looking forward to more!! ^.~

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

wonderful, loved the way they got Gwen out the way :D

[magicmalcolm.livejournal.com]

Oblivious Gwen is oblivious. But, hey, she's doing alright out of this dealio too (and I'm sure Rhys will agree!). I love your portrayal of the Gwenniekins/Yantoes friendship.

Poor Jack...he's expecting hot sex with Ianto and instead gets a royal bollocking about Weevil Behaviour 101, and then about his absenteeism as a parent. Ianto Jones would make a very scary Head Teacher. Especially if he had access to the spidery-mice-thingies.

I’m trying my best here! For Gwen, for Toshiko, for Owen, for Suzie – for the whole goddamn planet – and for you!
~ It's a shame that lovely speech of Jack's went completely unnoticed by Ianto, though.

[green-lemon-pie.livejournal.com]

*Squishes Jack and Ianto*
A week alone? Hmm...Yum. :) :)

[goddess-ophelia.livejournal.com]

great update!

[samclair.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I loved this xD
Gwen is so gullible ahaha. And Jack and Ianto are incredibly naughty (but sexy) little buggers! *nods*

I'd love to see Alice's reaction to Ianto xD x

[rheasilva-18.livejournal.com]

I've been secretly lurking and reading every update but I keep forgetting to come back and leave a comment, so sorry about that! Hopefully I can make it up with OMG THIS IS BLOODY AMAZING!!! :D

It's such a pick up when I'm feeling a little down and I love where you are taking it!

Impatiently waiting for the next one *smiles* x

[naddypants.livejournal.com]

Omg Ianto and Jack are evil geniuses. :') Hahah Gwen with swine flu...

Bless though. This chapter was kinda cute.
Jack's a bad boy. He shoulda told Ianto about Alice *le sigh*. Why am I getting the feeling that meeting her won't go quite as planned though? :')

YAY for ending it on smutty thoughts though. LOL :P

[crayon-harkness.livejournal.com]

Love it XD

And yeah I saw that .... then started screaming at the TV then burst into tears .... damn hormones! :(

[torchyj.livejournal.com]

OMG I saw the Ianto dog and *squeed* when the guy went "Yes Ianto, I love you too." when the dog licked his face eeeeeeeeeee!!!

Loved this chapter btw!

[diggybear.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! :) Gwen was in IM withdrawal and didn't realize it was back! Silly girl! At least she gets a holiday with Rhys out of being "sick." lol

[bandgeek01.livejournal.com]

Fantastic :D


Nicole

[silverearthelf.livejournal.com]

Awww I love Ianto trying to get him to talk to Alice. and having convinced Jack to turn the IM back on. **hugs** thank you!

[hopperb08.livejournal.com]

Really good... in fact I read this the first time when you posted it... Hate to sound like i'm pestering but it's been AGEESSS and i'm gettin withdrawal symptoms!! Next part pleeeeease!! XD xx

[albeckett.livejournal.com]

OMG I just spent all of Sunday(till 7:30am next day)and Monday(3:00am who needs to sleep for work) reading these(it took me this long for my eyes to recover from being on the computer that much HEHE). They are FAB and look forward to new ones. LONG LIVE JACK AND IANTO

[tori-santa.livejournal.com]

Commenting on this one, because I can no longer actually keep my eyes open. I found this series about an hour before I had to leave for work... *looks at time* last night. When I got back at eleven, I kept reading. It is now 6:15 a.m. and I am only now forcing myself to stop. Thank you... thank you very very very very very very very very VERY much. 'Twas totally worth it, will keep reading in the morning afternoon when I get up.