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[personal profile] a_silver_story
Title: The Internet if For ....
Chapter: 91
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Author: [livejournal.com profile] a_silver_story
Genre Humour, smut, angst
Rating: G
Warnings: M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: See title, really.

FIRST PART | Ianto and Gwen's IM's

PREVIOUS | Torchwood Index/Masterlist

91 |

JACK has entered the conversation

MR JONES: Shouldn't you be in a meeting?

JACK: I am in a meeting. I'm taking notes on a laptop ;)

MR JONES: Ahhhhh yes. I remember the last time we did that. Didn't Gwen nearly cause herself a vascular anomaly?

JACK: I think I might have blacked it out …

MR JONES: Lucky.
MR JONES: How's the meeting actually going?

JACK: Not too bad. It's more of a presentation than a meeting. Lots of pie charts making me peckish :)

MR JONES: What's the presenter's name?

JACK: Bill, I think.

MR JONES: Mmhmm.
MR JONES: … and could you possibly tell me what 'Bill's presenatation is about?

JACK: Pies?
JACK: I dare you to hack his laptop and fuck everything over.
JACK: dare you dare you dare you dare you dare you

MR JONES: I'll use your comm unit to track your location and access all the computers connected to the internet within five meters. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out which is the right one.

JACK: You should totally find his porn. That would be awesome.

MR JONES: I think I got him.
MR JONES: Pffft ratios of organic, alien-made and sentient matter over the last one hundred years. Fascinating.

JACK: Piiiiiiiiiiiiie!

MR JONES: The screen will glitch while I change the settings on his laptop to keep running his presentation while I mess. Watch my genius! WATCH IT!

JACK: That was a bit more than a fucking glitch, Ianto.


JACK: He's gonna think it was me! You could see the mouse move and everything!

MR JONES: He wasn't even looking at the screen! Besides, anyone who did notice won't complain.

JACK: How can you be sure he wasn't looking at the screen?

MR JONES: I patched through the CCTV. You're under surveillance, Captain.

JACK: Voyeur ;)

MR JONES: I love how now you know I'm watching, you're holding your head a little more to the left so that your 'best side' is more prominent.

JACK: Shut up and and put porn on!

MR JONES: I've heard that before.
MR JONES: One of the more romantic things you've said to me, actually.
MR JONES: Okay, this guy is an alien.
MR JONES: There is literally NO porn on his computer.


MR JONES: No fear. Free streaming sites were invented for situations like this.

JACK: I just scanned Bill with my wrist strap. Nothing unusual …

MR JONES: I was joking about him being an alien.

JACK: Maybe he has a wife and kids who also use the computer …

MR JONES: … or maybe he just doesn't watch porn?

JACK: Then why does he have the internet?

MR JONES: Okay there's a number of choices here ….
MR JONES: There's a woman who shoves a Yankees baseball up her arse, and manages to position it just right so that we can get a crowning shot of the logo.
MR JONES: … you don't wanna see what she's doing to this bowling pin ….

JACK: Put gay porn on! Rock the roof!

MR JONES: What should I search for?

JACK: Not my name.

MR JONES: … have you ever been in porn?

JACK: Ask me later.
JACK: Search for … ohhhhh I dunno.
JACK: Twinks and bears?

MR JONES: Be creative. Twinks and bears narrows nothing down. [take that statement how you will]

JACK: Pfffft ….
JACK: Office? Administrator?

MR JONES: Hahahaha! :D
MR JONES: Jesus, this office boy is bendy ….


MR JONES: Hang on. I'll let it get to a good bit ….

JACK: It's a meeting about ratios. Any part of porn is 'the good bit'.

MR JONES: Okay ... it should be projecting now ...

JACK: … holy crap on a cracker.
JACK: He IS bendy ….
JACK: Do you think you'd ever be able to do that over a photocopier?

MR JONES: … but I could probably manage a standard printer.

JACK: I'm getting 'looks'. I think they suspect.

MR JONES: Look at the screen.

JACK: Writing 'this is not Jack Harkness' doesn't help.

MR JONES: Stop typing and maybe they'll assume it's not you?

JACK: … do you think we'd be able to do that on a photocopier?

MR JONES: Erm … no.

JACK: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

MR JONES: Because you'll insist on having the photocopier running!
MR JONES: I'm going to have to abandon the laptop. I think they're trying to trace me.
MR JONES: I'll feedback the tracer and confuse them for a bit. Maybe even put up an error message ….

JACK: Will it be gay porn?

MR JONES: It can be you naked and erect, if you want.

JACK: I think that would confuse any tracker.

MR JONES: That's definitely how it works.
MR JONES: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh no I've been blocked from the system. I was gonna have some funsies with the CCTV feeds :(

JACK: haha!
JACK: Is there any way you can hijack my computer, then use my computer to hijack his?

MR JONES: They blocked me from the system.

JACK: But my laptop and yours are part of the same network.

MR JONES: Ahhh yes! Of course!
MR JONES: Hang on ….


MR JONES: … you have to stop using your mouse, other wise I can't do anything.

JACK: You should put some of our CCTV up ;)

MR JONES: Yah … I don't think so.
MR JONES: As well as having some dignity left, I'm pretty sure they'll know it's us/me that's hijacking everything and making stuff interesting.

JACK: Unless you're double bluffing.

MR JONES: Which I'm not. Look at your screen.

JACK: Fucking hell.
JACK: I don't think even I could do that with a bowling pin ….

MR JONES: Fascinatingly disturbing, isn't it?

JACK: I can't stop staring ….

MR JONES: Eww! Look at this -

JACK: Woahhh mini eels are NOT supposed to go up there ….

MR JONES: There must be laws against that, surely?

JACK: I dunno. Make it go away.

MR JONES: You are only not allowed to use the mouse when I'm using it, Jack.

JACK: Rather safe than sorry *shrugs*
JACK: Find that office boy again!

MR JONES: You've already seen it once.
MR JONES: How about an administrators orgy?
MR JONES: Interesting use of phone cords ….

JACK: Mmmmm we have a phone like that in the Tourist Office ….

MR JONES: Maybe tomorrow … ;)
MR JONES: Okay, I'm in Bill's laptop again.
MR JONES: Stop using the mouse! I need it.
MR JONES: Thank you.

JACK: Can we havvvvvvvvvve ….
JACK: Lesbians!

MR JONES: I already decided on the admin orgy!


MR JONES: That means finding a whole new video ….

JACK: There's lots of lesbian videos!
JACK: I don't know why you're being so picky anyway! It's just porn.

MR JONES: It has to be right!
MR JONES: These aren't even real lesbians. It's insulting.

JACK: Over half male performers are gay for pay.

MR JONES: Really?

JACK: Yahuh. I read it on the internet.

MR JONES: Must be true.
MR JONES: Okay I found you some lesbians.

JACK: I note they have a strap on.

MR JONES: I feel strange seeing porn without at least one cock involved.

JACK: I call dibs on the brunette.
JACK: … and the redhead.
JACK: … and the blonde.

MR JONES: … and that leaves me with the strap on. ¬_¬

JACK: Put it on the projector!

MR JONES: Me with the strap on or the lesbians?


MR JONES: 3 … 2 … 1 ….

JACK: I knew there was a reason why I loved you.

MR JONES: I do my best.
MR JONES: I'm going to leave that playing and withdraw

JACK: … don't tempt me.

MR JONES: HAHA! Didn't even realise!
MR JONES: Withdraw from his computer so they can't trace me.

JACK: Are you going to withdraw from me, too?

MR JONES: Yes. You can find your own porn from now on.

JACK: I'd rather just screw you senseless over a photocopier.

MR JONES: I've just thought ….
MR JONES: You're in a room full of people ….
MR JONES: You've probably got a hard on ….
MR JONES: … and there's nothing you can do about it.

JACK: … so?

MR JONES: You must be uncomfortable ….

JACK: … and?

MR JONES: I'm not, is all.
MR JONES: I'm all alone.
MR JONES: I can do what I like.

JACK: This isn't fair!

MR JONES: It feels so good, though.

JACK: Describe it to me. Tell me everything.



MR JONES: I need to … file something.

JACK: We can have cybersex!

MR JONES: We could. But … the thought of leaving you with an erection in a room full of people who won't do anything about while you know I'm off masturbating really turns me on.
MR JONES: … in a really evil sort of way.
MR JONES: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee x

MR JONES has left the conversation



Tired ... so tired ....

Continuously working yourself to exhaustion is BAD!


Next Part | Previous Part | Torchwood Index | Request a Convo/Prose Fic

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Date: 2010-03-25 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amelie-mellow.livejournal.com
Hooorraaaaayyyyyyy More IM'S!!!!!!!!!!! so so so much love for you right now! The demand for lesbians made me giggle. So did: "writing 'this is not Jack Harkness' does not help." you are fabulous, have I mentioned this before?

Date: 2010-03-25 05:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unrequited1984.livejournal.com

If you can't tell I'm very excited about more of this series. I love your other stuff but this is what made me your minion to begin with. And this chapter has brought back the IM craziness and smut that I love.

*Bows down and worships*

Date: 2010-03-25 05:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] squirrelytonks.livejournal.com
More IMs!!! yaaaayyyyssss



Date: 2010-03-25 06:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rosy5000.livejournal.com
*giggles* Oh, how much I love slightly evil Ianto! hehe He is too awesum for words!!! :D

Oh, poor Jack, stuck in such a *ahem* hard situation. *giggles*

Date: 2010-03-25 07:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] electrictoes.livejournal.com
HAHAHA, oh what a glorious start to my day.

Fantastic update.

Date: 2010-03-25 10:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] delennbr.livejournal.com
IM verse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As usual, saving to read at work :D

Date: 2010-03-25 10:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zsazsa4168.livejournal.com
Continuously working yourself to exhaustion is BAD!

But if the end result is fun stuff for the (totally deserving) minions, that makes it all worthwhile, right?

We haven't had IMs in so long, it was like a visit from a long lost friend. *grins* Thanks. Z

Date: 2010-03-25 11:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] i-own-ianto.livejournal.com
Lololololololololol ianto is evil!
That was highly amusing!
My friend did that to a teachers laptop, almost exaclty minus ianto Jack and
the lesbians! twas amusing she is a freak with computers :P


Date: 2010-03-25 11:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ontinia.livejournal.com
This is amazing. Evil Ianto was awesome.
JACK: Writing 'this is not Jack Harkness' doesn't help.

Date: 2010-03-25 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aviv-b.livejournal.com
This made laff n' laff!!
From: [identity profile] magicmalcolm.livejournal.com
That loud squeal in the background that you may have just heard? Just this Fanboy Squeeing. Pay him no mind. *Huggles new IM-verse fic*

holy crap on a cracker.
It's pretty weird seeing phrases I use in everyday life in written form. Your next task is to use the phrase "What The Crap?" somewhere. :)

Interesting use of phone chords ….
Should just be "cords" there, hon.

Random Sidenote: if you did get to marry GDL, would you insist on him wearing that dress?
From: [identity profile] a-silver-story.livejournal.com

[that translate as I made a mistake, but won't admit it, and am using 'reality' as a thinly veiled excuse)

Random Sidenote: if you did get to marry GDL, would you insist on him wearing that dress?

From: [identity profile] magicmalcolm.livejournal.com
Funny thing is if it had been Jack that typed that line, I would've actually thought you'd made that mistake on purpose because...well, it's Jack. I'd expect him to typo up a storm occasionally.

Ianto, on the other hand...well, he's not drunk and is using both of his hands to type, so I'm expecting him to be word perfect. :)

...and my God, I'm analysing the typing patterns of fictional characters. What is wrong with me?

This, of course, was the only accurate reply.
From: [identity profile] a-silver-story.livejournal.com
I did originally type "YES! OMG I WOULD TIE HIM TO A CHAIR AND SHAG HIM INTO A COMA!" but thought that might be a little too much.

... and analysing typing patterns isn't that unusual to me. I have to think about it every time I do one of these things!
From: [identity profile] magicmalcolm.livejournal.com
Yeah, I'd wait until he was on the brink of passing out...then stop, let him recover, and then being torturing anew again. It's more fun when they're suffering constantly.

...you are such a bad influence. ;)

... and analysing typing patterns isn't that unusual to me. I have to think about it every time I do one of these things!
...so what's my excuse for being an utter weirdo, then?

Date: 2010-03-25 06:50 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
so glad you returned to the IMs. It was also what brought me to your fics.
love it a lot, hoping to see the mariage soon!
brazilian kisses!

Date: 2010-03-25 07:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zazajb.livejournal.com
I was being oh so naughty and reading this at school [don't tell!] while my 6th form students were writing up their research and I couldn't stop giggling...they now have hard evidence that i really am mad!!! I absolutely adore this...you have to write some more - but not to the point of exhaustion..promise me?? Look after yourself first, write second.. xx

Date: 2010-03-25 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelkitty101.livejournal.com
Love the IM-verse! Fabulous! And I have been stuck in so many meetings that would have been so improved with porn, seriously! It should be mandatory!

Date: 2010-03-26 10:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jadis-88.livejournal.com
Hahahahahaha, you just made my day XD

Date: 2010-03-28 02:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crazundeadfairy.livejournal.com
JACK: Then why does he have the internet?

that line is just so completely Jack (or possibly Owen) that as soon as i read it i could see the utterly serious/perplexed expression on Jack's face. brilliant!

Date: 2010-03-28 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yantoharkness.livejournal.com
hehehehehehe love it proper funny

Date: 2010-03-29 02:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freekydj.livejournal.com

I totally lol'd at points.

I am so jealous of Jack. I've been to sooooo many boring and truly useless office meetings. At the en d, I've wondered why we bothered to have a meeting, nothing new & no problems solved-total waste of time. If only I could have Ianto hijack the meeting with porn! I bet I'd not only remember the meeting, but it would probably perk everyone up enough to actually accomplish something! :)

I love evil Ianto at the end, teasing Jack like that!

Date: 2010-04-04 07:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amuly.livejournal.com
I am so glad you've posted more of this series! I love it!


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