The Undertaker's Gift (in six minutes)

[a_silver_story]

The Undertaker's Gift by Trevor Baxendale
(in six minutes)


^^Click to Enlarge^^


I had intended to review this, but the book lent itself to mocking in ways that could only be truly appreciated if you've read the book. So instead, I have compressed the plot into a bite-size chunk of readability, while still maintaining the true essence and character of the book.

Whether you intend to read the novel or not, this should make sense and still be funny. Hopefully.

Obviously this post contains SPOILERS for 'The Undertaker's Gift' Torchwood novel by Trevor Baxendale, if you're a die-hard Gwack fan, you might be able to stomach it (seriously - even if you're not anti-Gwen, it makes you cringe. I included a few such moments in the compression as examples).

This is purely crack for the sake of crack.






[Creepy funeral in the rain. Torchwood is there under an umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh]

 

GWEN COOPER: Why are we here?

 

JACK: In the interest of keeping up my Mysterious aura, I cannot possibly tell you. I will, however, refer to the contents of Cell One with a certain degree of ambiguity.

 

IANTO: Isn't he Mysterious?

 

GWEN COOPER: But why are we here, though?

 

JACK: I can't tell you! You'll have to wait for shit to happen.

 

 

 

[corpse comes to life. Jack shoots it in front of all friends, family and relatives surrounding the graves]

 

 

 

JACK: He had a virus. Tough luck on him!

 

GWEN COOPER: You could have just told us that, dick'ed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Unmemorable But Inquisitive Student walks home at 4AM]

 

 

UBIS: HOE ME FOOKIN' GOD! A CREEPY FUNERAL WITH DUDES DRESSED LIKE THE INVISIBLE MAN! SWEET SHIT! … I must pointedly never, ever mention what I just saw in the transparent glass casket until it has built up enough mystery to become a dramatically more interesting plot point towards the end of the book. I shall, however, go home and write about this in my blog.

 

 

 

 

 

[Meanwhile, in Jack's bedroom ….]

 

 

JACK: *wakes up from dreaming about being buried alive*

 

GWEN COOPER: *is naked* You all'reet, chuck?

 

JACK: I'm always all right! *mounts Gwen Cooper*

 

GWEN COOPER: *turns into demon and tries to claw Jack to death while gazing at him with her enormous, dark, glittering, beautiful eyes*

 

 

 

 

 

[Jack wakes up. Ianto is there.]

 

 

IANTO: *is fully dressed* You okay?

 

JACK: I'M FINE FFS LEAVE ME ALONE YOU LOST PUPPY CONSTANTLY HUMPING MY LEG!

 

 

 

 

 

[A bit later, Mysterious Alien Who Warns Jack About Stuff appears]

 

 

 

MAWWJAS: Hi, Jack. You're in deep shit. Some lawyers from the 49^th century say you've mishandled the 21^st century and are going to either assassinate yo' ass or send you the Undertaker's Gift.

 

 

GWEN COOPER: The Undertaker's Gift?

 

MAWWJAS: The Undertaker's Gift.

 

IANTO: The Undertaker's Gift?

 

MAWWJAS: The Undertaker's Gift.

 

JACK: HOE ME GOD. THE UNDERTAKER'S GIFT?

 

MAWWJAS: YES!

 

JACK: Bollocks – just as long as I remain Mysterious and don't tell anyone I don't really know what it is, everything will be hunky dory, right? How about if I mention the Thing In Cell One again?

 

 

 

 

 

[Unmemorable But Inquisitive Student is at Male With Welsh Name's house]

 

 

UBIS: I saw something super cool. I'm gonna blog about it – but not mention the unspeakably and indescribably Awful Thing in the glass coffin.

 

MWWN: Don't mention Torchwood, either.

 

UBIS: Oops, too late!

 

 

 

[UBIS receives phone call from Superfluous Female Character]

 

 

UBIS: How's it hangin'

 

SFC: NOWAI, UNMEMORABLE BUT INQUISITIVE STUDENT! I TOTES SAW THE CREEPY FUNERAL THING, TOO!

 

UBIS: Let's not talk about the unspeakably and indescribably Awful Thing in the glass casket and meet up where we saw it while hoping nothing unfortunate happens!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ianto spots something Mysterious about the letter from the 49^th century lawyers, but decides it's in everyone's best interests if he doesn't mention it.]

 

 

GWEN COOPER: We famous! Someone's blogged about seeing a creepy load of undertakers and offhandedly mentioned Torchwood! Ain't that brilliant?

 

JACK: Could you look the enemy in the eye and shoot them in cold blood?

 

GWEN COOPER: Probably not. I'm too empathetic. Why do you ask?

 

JACK: It'll be important for the plot later. Now! Random blogger – we better go and check it out!

 

GWEN COOPER: I will. On my own. You might be assassinated, so I am assuming authority and confining you to the Hub.

 

JACK: Take Ianto with you.

 

GWEN COOPER: No.

 

JACK: Take Ianto with you.

 

GWEN COOPER: No.

 

JACK: Take Ianto with you.

 

GWEN COOPER: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! *leaves*

 

JACK: Ianto! … go with her.

 

 

 

 

[At the Creepy Church aptly named 'Black House' where the Creepy Shit happened]

 

 

UBIS: Where's Superfluous Female Character? You think they killed her off already?

 

MWWN: Probably. What's that? *points*

 

UBIS: HOE ME GOD! IT'S A CREEPY UNDERTAKER DUDE! RUN!

 

 

 

[They run]

 

 

UBIS: That was close and very, very dangerous. Let's go back.

 

MWWN: No.

 

UBIS: … we're going back. We need to find Superfluous Female Character and make sure we definitely see her dead.

 

MWWN: Look – who is that stunningly beautiful older woman coming towards us?

 

GWENN COOPER: Hi, I'm Gwen Cooper. All you need to know is that I'm Torchwood, I'm here to attempt to help while proving to Jack I don't need him and that the guy who wrote this book is so in love with me, he wishes I was real.

 

MWWN: *is lost for words in the presence of the AWESOMENESS of Gwen Cooper*

 

GWEN COOPER: *looks down* OOO! A phone! Oh look – the person you're looking for must have dropped it perfectly on top of this trapdoor despite being bundled into it while it was open! Let's go down and see if we don't die!

 

 

 

 

 

[Jack is in the shooting range]

 

 

JACK: *sigh* all I can think of when I come down here is the perfume Gwen Cooper was wearing on that day we did that weapons training session.

 

IANTO: Jack?

 

JACK: *turns and aims gun and nearly fires* Oops! Sorry Hot in Suit But Not Much Use As Anything But a Lap Dog. Nearly shot you then!

 

IANTO: Damn. You might have ended my depressing spiral into the depths of my own misery.

 

JACK: No – you don't look very well.

 

[before Jack can offer to shoot him again, alarms go off]

 

 

JACK: Ooo something for me to actually fucking do in this novel! *runs up stairs*

 

IANTO: Hmm. I don't feel to good – but similarly to the Mysterious thing I noticed about the letter from the Future Lawyers, I think it would be in everyone's best interests if I just soldier on and not mention anything.

 

JACK: *sees figure teleport into Hub and shoots without seeing who it is* HOE SHIT! It was Mysterious Alien Who Warns Me About Stuff! I shot him DEAD! Luckily, it appears he's conveniently pre-empted his death and made a tape to explain everything he was going to tell me with his mouth until I shot him.

 

IANTO: Oh my! Aren't you silly?

 

JACK: … and the Ultimate Worst Thing about this situation is that that tape is a Betamax!

 

IANTO: HOE NOES!

 

 

 

[In Jack's office, Ianto brings in the VCR]

 

JACK: Oh wow! Where did you find that?

 

IANTO: It was in the Archives. Where d'you think?

 

JACK: How did you find anything down there.

 

IANTO: Finding Shit is in my job description.

 

JACK: Wow. You'd think I'd know that, considering I wrote it. Put the movie on!

 

ATWJAS: If you're watching this, I'm dead. Basically, you're up shit creek without a paddle, so really I'm probably glad to have popped my clogs. The Already Dead are here, and they've brought the Undertaker's Gift with 'em. So … um … good luck with that?

 

JACK: Oh buggeration. End of the world! - you still don't look very well Ianto. Let's go to the med bay.

 

IANTO: I'm fine.

 

JACK: MED BAY! Fetch me a white coat and stethoscope – I assure that is all I need to- ooo my phone! Hello. Yes. Hello – your name is Unmemorable But Inquisitive Student and some Bad Shit has happened at Black House, there's an unspeakably and indescribably awful Something in a glass coffin and GWEN COOPER MIGHT BE DEAD FUCK YOU IANTO I KNOW YOU'RE ILL BUT GWEN COOPER NEEDS ME!

 

IANTO: Yessir. Anything for you sir. Let me fetch your coat, sir.

 

 

 

 

 

[In a Deep Dark Tunnel under Black House Church]

 

 

 

GWEN COOPER: Oh no! I'm in a Deep Dark Tunnel all on me once-y! Superfluous Female Character and Male With Welsh Name is dead, and Unmemorable But Inquisitive Student ran off in the other direction when she had a chance! Now I'm surrounded on all sides by creatures dressed like the Invisible Man with no chance of escape! OHHHHH WOE TO ME, IS THIS HOW THE GREAT GWEN COOPER SHALL FALL?

 

[nothing happens]

 

 

What is this? All the creatures have, for no apparent reason, disappeared and left me on my own in this tunnel to discover the Horror of Their Mysterious Thing What They Are Hiding? I'll just trundle along then!

 

[trundles along]

 

Oh my! I Super Secret Room conveniently at the end of the corridor in which I was abandoned! What is this inside! EWWWWWWWWWWW A DEAD THING WITH NO LEGS PRACTICALLY ROTTED AWAY AND INFESTED WITH BUGS IN A GLASS COFFIN! - must be the thing Unmemorable But Inquisitive Student (presumed dead) couldn't possibly bear to mention ….

 

 

UAIAT: I'M ALIVE! FETCH ME NURSES!

 

GWEN COOPER: I'm Gwen Cooper, and using my Awesome Police Skills, I deduce that you are Francis, a World War One soldier taken from a hospital in Calais in 1914. Correct?

 

UAIAT (now Frank): Yup. Well done, Gwen Cooper. The service here isn't up to much and you're the most awesome person I've heard for a long time.

 

GWEN COOPER: I'll tactfully not mention that you're not a rotting corpse with no arms or legs, wired up to a strange machine with pins in your brain, shall I?

 

FRANK: That would be appreciated. Is that gun fire I hear?

 

 

 

 

[in the Deep Dark Tunnel]

 

 

JACK: *shoot* *shoot* *shoot*

 

IANTO: I really don't feel well.

 

JACK: I need you to watch my back while I mindlessly put us both in needlessly mortal peril so that I can check and make sure my hunch about Gwen Cooper having miraculously survived this far on her own is right!

 

IANTO: I think I'm about to die.

 

JACK: Pffft. Been there done that. Let me have a look at you.

 

[has a look]

 

JACK: *realises Ianto's being eaten alive by parasites that were included with the letter from the 49^th century* Don't worry – you'll be right as rain in no time! Come on – I need you to watch my back, despite the fact you keep falling unconscious.

 

IANTO: Anything for you, Jack.

 

 

 

[they make it to the Secret Room. Gwen Cooper is there]

 

 

GWEN COOPER: Jack! Ianto! - woahhh … Ianto you look like shit!

 

JACK: He's being eaten alive by alien parasites, but he'll be fine once we pick them off by hand and crush them.

 

IANTO: Whut?

 

GWEN COOPER: Ewwww … no can do!

 

JACK: I'll do it – you shoot the dude in the glass coffin who didn't age well.

 

GWEN COOPER: Why?

 

JACK: Because he's the Undertaker's Gift! He's linked to a bomb that will cause a huge temporal thingy that will wipe out the Earth as if it never existed! Now shoot the bastard!

 

FRANK: Gwen Cooper, you are the nicest person I ever met!

 

GWEN COOPER: Oh no! I can't shoot him!

 

JACK: FFS! Let me!

 

 

[the Webley is empty. Disaster ensues]

 

 

JACK: Ahhh shit with sugar on. Help me carry this great lump of Ianto out of here so we can watch the world die.

 

GWEN COOPER: That I can do!

 

 

[Up on the surface. Jack leaves Ianto and Gwen to sit and do nothing while he drives back to the Hub]

 

JACK: Time for a callback to series one! *dials mobile while driving SUV* Well Hai Thur Kathy Swanson from Series One! I know the world is ending, but could I please have a police escort?

 

KATHY: GO FUCK YOURSELF BEFORE I RIP YOUR BOLLOCKS OFF!

 

JACK: *hangs up phone and crashes SUV beyond repair so steals motorbike* Hmm. Time to reveal what the Mysterious Prisoner in Cell One is all about!

 

 

[outside Cell One. The prisoner is a blob of orange jelly charged at 50,000 volts]

 

JACK: Hai thur, Zero. Using absolutely no evidence whatsoever, I have deduced that you are a Vortex Dweller (whom I have never before encountered). If I offer you back to your Mommy, will she magically reset everything for us?

 

ZERO: *nothing*

 

JACK: GREAT! - would you mind driving away from the Rift and to Black House so that we can do this in front of Gwen Cooper and Ianto? I'd really love to impress Gwen Cooper a bit.

 

ZERO: *nothing*

 

JACK: *claps hands* LET'S GO!

 

 

[outside Black House]

 

 

IANTO: *doubts Jack will ever return, exhibiting an uncharacteristic lack of faith*

 

GWEN COOPER: God, you're so stupid. Hold still while I finally gather up the guts to pull these slowly-killing-you-by-eating-you-alive parasites off you.

 

IANTO: OW OW OW OW OW.

 

GWEN COOPER: Hold still! Last one! - ahhh crap on a cracker. It's burrowed inside you. I'll use this pen knife to get it out.

 

IANTO: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

 

GWEN COOPER: All better! I honestly don't see why you were complai- JACK! YOU'RE BACK! … and look! He's brought a Deus ex Machina!

 

IANTO: HOORAY!

 

 

 

[standing by the Bay]

 

 

 

GWEN COOPER: I knew you'd pull through with a reset in the end.

 

JACK: It wasn't a reset! The Mommy Vortex Dweller simply put everything how it should be, even bringing the dead people back to life and fixing all the physical breakages in the world – think of it as like a jigsaw.

 

IANTO: A big, reset-button shaped jigsaw?

 

JACK: It wasn't a reset! It was a re-organisation!

 

IANTO: But … it was a bit of a reset, though.

 

JACK: IT WASN'T A FUCKING RESET!

 

GWEN COOPER: It was a bit!

 

JACK: *shoots them both DEAD* Oops. Well … at least I know I can reset that ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[celstaredflower.livejournal.com]

Well. That sounds like a massive disappointment. :\

[broms-lullaby.livejournal.com]

Well, I was going to read that, but now I feel that there is no need. It is strange reading lots of Janto fic and then reading books written my people that don't hate Gwen. She was very annoying in Into the Silence with all of her gushing over Jack, I had to stop reading it.

[mercury-pheonix.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh I love you you are my most favourite person ever will you marry me *clings*.

Seriously, I have never read this book - I picked it up in the book shop, opened it, read that Jack was having an erotic dream about Gwen, closed it, and deduced nhever to taint my mind with such unnatural, heinous filth ever again.

Your version was obviously so much better. As it often is.

[alchemistpotion.livejournal.com]

Wah? What about that made any sense? I mena, the plot-y bitd, I realise you were exaggerating, but the plot made no sense. IS that the actually plot? Because did I mention that made no sense?

Most baffling, however, was Jack insisting Ianto should go with Gwen, rather than stay with him, leaving the two of them alone in the hub together. So very in character.

[ontinia.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. You've got that book spot on. I just finished reading it like two weeks ago. Took me ages to do so.

[shelbynm.livejournal.com]

That was the worst of their books that I have read so far. I so tortured myself for 2 days to get through it all. I was so happy when I was finished with it.

Just two words from me

HORRIBLE BOOK

[rosy5000.livejournal.com]

I almost got this from Amazon, but looked back through your other reviews and decided to go with one of Bay of the Dead instead. Now I'm glad I did. Even if I haven't read BotD yet.

Jack dreaming of Gwen? Eewwww!!!

*runs off to find some nice Janto to read*

[squirrelytonks.livejournal.com]

hehehe... i loves me some crack first thing in the morning...

that really captured the book right on the mark.

[ella-caramella.livejournal.com]

LOL! I haven't bought the book (yes, I am boycotting TW) and I'm more than convinced that your rendering of the plot and above all your depiction of the characters are way way a far better reading than the book itself.

Could you do the same for the other books, if you find the time?

Thanks. XD

[theorclair.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, karokegal got a pen name and wrote a TW book!

[elfinessy.livejournal.com]

I'll be giving that one a miss then ;-)

[deathbymutation.livejournal.com]

Completely serious question. Has this author actually watched Torchwood or just best Gwack scenes on youtube?

[kholran.livejournal.com]

I'm still convinced that "Trevor Baxendale" is just RTD in disguise. Seriously, what kind of name is "Trevor Baxendale" anyway? It sounds like some pretentious soap opera character. I don't think it's a real name.

[magicmalcolm.livejournal.com]

God, that does sound awful. Everybody sounds out of character. Then again, that happens in most of the tie-in novels, which are mostly rubbish. You'd think actually watching the show would be a minor prerequisite for writing tie-in novels, but obviously not.

It's telling that two of my favourites happen to be the most fan-ficcy of the lot; "Almost Perfect" and "Bay Of The Dead". I will argue to RTD's death that "The Twilight Streets" is the best of the bunch, though.

[delennbr.livejournal.com]

Wow, I never imagined how awful torchwood books can be, I'll never read this one, your version is enough, hehe

[tucker-liz.livejournal.com]

Haven't read this one as yet. Unfortunately I'm still trying to wade through Slow Decay by Andy Lane, another which is Gwen-centric. It seems to be set before the team discovered Lisa in the Hub, so not much Ianto goodness to date. *sad*

[i-own-ianto.livejournal.com]

Lol sounds tucked up.
I may read (part of) it though to see just how much.
Was highly amusing I like XD
sounds like he got the characters completley wrong, typical.

x

[geekchick1013.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOEMG ILU!

[jmchau.livejournal.com]

yah, I was so not impressed by this book. It seems that Trev took RTDs love of Gwen (who is supposed to represent the normal person, be 'us' so we can self insert into the show? though I don't lie to & cheat on my sig-other, nor do I deliberately manipulate my co-workers and friends...she is so not a 'normal' person, nor does she represent someone I can use to insert myself into the show, she's more someone I would try so hard to NOT be) and ran with it to the extreme.

But most of the books kind of treat Ianto as an afterthought, just there to show that RTD, & Show, is gay friendly.

[i-own-ianto.livejournal.com]

i read it cos i was really bored and it was the only thing i had on hand - i died.
*claws brain out from unwanted images of naked gwen*
it was completley wrong, and i vastly prefer your rendition - at least it was short ^_^
ewwwww...never again.

x