Torchwood IMs: White and Nerdy

[a_silver_story]

Title: White and Nerdy
Chapter: 20
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Rhys Williams
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: M.M implied
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: The internet's been down, so Jack's a bit tetchy that Ianto hasn't made much of an effort to stay in contact ...






01 | Ianto and Gwen's IM's
02 | Ianto and Southern Comfort
03 | Skiving with Captain Andy
04 | Ianto and Jack's IMs
05 | Tosh? Gossiping? Never!
06 | What Toshiko Saw ... (Prose)
07 | Captain Andy handles the Force
08 | Ianto and SOCO Strikes Back
09 | Into the Boardroom (Prose)
10 | Ianto's, Tosh's, Gwen and Jack's IMs
11 | Ianto and Rhys' IMs
12 | Obtained File: CPD/Torchwood Liaison Meeting #13
13 | What Toshiko Wants (Prose)
14 | The In-Laws
15 | Mike
16 | Ianto and Jack's Snuggles
17 | Sorry, mam ... I mean ... Gwen
18 | Kisses
19 | Australia



20 |






1:13PM


RHYS has entered the conversation

MR JONES: *best mancunian impression* Ariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

RHYS: Yo yo yo.

MR JONES: ‘ows it ‘angin?

RHYS: fings r lyke propah minted bro, innit.

MR JONES: gud 2 ear it m8 u iz lyk propah bo

RHYS: hehehehe.

MR JONES: It almost hurts me how white and nerdy we are.

RHYS: Haha! How’s things down under?

MR JONES: ¬_¬ like Gwen didn’t tell you.

RHYS: ... no. What’s happened?

MR JONES: The good news is: I made friends with a parrot.
MR JONES: The bad news? ... my mother managed to unwittingly hack into a conversation I was having with Jack about the intimate details of our sex life.

RHYS: Shit. How intimate?

MR JONES: Graphically intimate.

RHYS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
RHYS: Sorry ...
RHYS: I mean ... that’s terrible, mate. Really, that’s just ... god that’s embarrassing.
RHYS: Sorry - I can’t stop laughing. The secretary’s getting suspicious I might not be doing work.

MR JONES: You have a secretary??

RHYS: Yeah.

MR JONES: I wish I had a secretary.

RHYS: I thought you were a kind of secretary.

MR JONES: That doesn’t mean I don’t crave minions.
MR JONES: I could just clone myself.
MR JONES: Ooh ... I could actually do that ...
MR JONES: Do you think Gwen could donate a couple of healthy ovum?

RHYS: Oh Jebus no. One of you is all the unnatural efficiency and sartorial elegance we can handle right now. Besides ... who’d look after baby Ianto Clones?

MR JONES: ... do you fancy a job at Torchwood?

RHYS: Hhahahaha.

MR JONES: :-P
MR JONES: Nahhh you’re right. Bad idea.
MR JONES: ... and I hear that clone uprisings aren’t uncommon.

RHYS: Well, we had to learn something from Star Wars.

MR JONES: The Clones didn’t revolt. They just attacked the Republic and wiped out the Jedi under orders from the Empire.

RHYS: *bad self*

MR JONES: Have a free eye-roll courtesy of me.

RHYS: So how did your mam take the news that you’re not her sweet and innocent little To-To any more?

MR JONES: Well ... she hinted towards what happened to the Porter, then she rang my aunt in Rochdale to spread the news further before breaking her silence with the parrot zoo keeper at the parrot zoo where we went to see parrots.

RHYS: ... she told ... everyone?

MR JONES: My mam lives by the rule “If you’re not embarrassing your kids, you’re not enjoying yourself enough.”

RHYS: I’ll have to remember that one ;)

MR JONES: You and Gwen are planning on having kids?

RHYS: We’ve talked about it. Ish.

MR JONES: Really?

RHYS: What?

MR JONES: Nothing.

RHYS: What?

MR JONES: No one at Torchwood has ever had kids before. Not during employment. Most certainly not female employees. I don’t even know if we have a plan for maternity leave.

RHYS: Ever?

MR JONES: No.
MR JONES: When I get back, I could check again for you if you like?

RHYS: It’s okay.
RHYS: Check “again”? You’ve checked before?

MR JONES: If you ever need a plan for maternity leave, let me know and I can draw one up and make it official without Gwen knowing it’s never happened before.

RHYS: Thanks.
RHYS: He he it’s great having a man inside.

MR JONES: Haha. I personally love having a man inside.

RHYS: ARggggh nooo I didn’t mean it like that you cheeky bugger!

MR JONES: Haha. Freudian slip. You must be on the turn ;-)

RHYS: Damn, you saw right through me. ;-)

MR JONES: The lip gloss was a bit of a clue.

RHYS: It was lip balm! Not gloss! Balm

MR JONES: Whatever. You’re so far in the closet, you’ve found your Christmas presents!

RHYS: *connery voice* Ohhhh doo pish off you Rrrrraving homoshexual!

MR JONES: HAHAHAHA!
MR JONES: Anyhoo – latent gender blending aside: how’re the lads?

RHYS: Banana Boat’s decided to get into lawnmower racing.

MR JONES: I can definitely see that working out.

RHYS: He’s pimped it out and everything. He’s called it The Banana Mow-T.

MR JONES: What gave him the impression this was a good idea? He’s going to get himself badly injured carrying it – never mind actually racing it!

RHYS: He did a bit of a race and ... well .. came last.

MR JONES: “Ladies and gentlemen, the Boat has sunk ... and he’s chopped off his Banana ..”

RHYS: Hahhaha. We decided to get the train all the way to Warrington for a proper night out in a slightly safer than Cardiff environment – Banana and Daf ended up getting arrested for cartwheeling through the fountain.

MR JONES: They got arrested for cartwheeling?

RHYS: Well ... they were naked cartwheels ...

MR JONES: Bloody hell!!! What did they get charged with?

RHYS: Indecent exposure.

MR JONES: Ugh. The exposure of their nekkid bodies is beyond “indecent” ;-P

RHYS: You weren’t there. You were safe at the other side of the world befriending parrots.

MR JONES: Incoming File | Accept or Reject

RHYS: I’m very jealous. You’re coming home soon, aren’t you?

MR JONES: Yes, dear. Monday.

RHYS: Good. If I have to hear about how much Gwen’s suffering under Jack’s wrath ever again I’m getting on a plane and staying with you.

MR JONES: ... but then you’ll be faced with a lecture from my mam about “standing by your woman” ... and I’ve had that lecture. Hell, you have no idea the crap I’d do to avoid that lecture!

RHYS: Fine – but if Gwen starts again, I’m gagging her.

MR JONES: Haha. I find it strange to think of gagging as a punishment ...

RHYS: Welllllll I’ve got to go now.

MR JONES: *pouts* I’m running out of internet time anyways *hmph*

RHYS: See you Monday!

MR JONES: Hopefully. Can’t wait to get home and have REAL DAIRY MILK AGAIN.

RHYS: ... they don’t have Dairy Milk Chocolate in Oz??

MR JONES: They do, but they put stuff in it to stop it melting as fast. It makes it taste funny :-(

RHYS: Awww. I’ll send Gwen in to work with a big bar of Dairy Milk just for li’l ol’ yousies.

MR JONES: Thanks, honey ;-)

RHYS: Bleh! :-P

MR JONES: Buhbye x



MR JONES has left the conversation




6:15 PM


MR JONES has entered the conversation


JACK: Why the HELL haven’t you been online???? And texts???? No replies to texts!!!! If Gwen would’ve let me I’d be on a plane there now!! Do you have any idea ... ANY idea ... how worried I’ve been? The silence is killing me! I told you that at least an occasional email would be fine but you NEVER EVEN MANAGED THAT!!! What’s going on? Have you met someone else? I knew I shouldn’t have let you go out there! Is it something I’ve done? Have I done something wrong? Why haven’t you spoken to me? Gwen says you’ve spoken to Rhys today! What have I done wrong, Ianto?

MR JONES: I’m sorry Jack. The internet was down for a few days and I’ve left my phone charger in Cardiff.

JACK: Two weeks, Ianto!

MR JONES: I’m sorry.

JACK: You could have phoned. Just one call, to tell me what’s going on.

MR JONES: Yes, I could have. I just figured that since I’m a grown man you’d probably realise I can look after myself.

JACK: Grown man? Your mother and sister call you To-To!

MR JONES: They haven’t called me To-To since that last time we spoke – and yes I’m a grown man. I’m 25!

JACK: Exactly! TWENTY-FIVE! You’re still a baby!!!!!

MR JONES: I am NOT, Jack!

JACK: You are. You hardly know anything about the world outside the Hub. What people can be like! What people would want to do to you!

MR JONES: I grew up in Cardiff, Jack ... and if I know little about the world outside the Hub it’s your fault for keeping me there – and I do know what people want to do to me. You do those things to me all the time ;-)

JACK: Careful. Your mammy might have the parental controls turned on *sarcasm*

MR JONES: Don’t be mad at me Jack. I’m coming home soon.

JACK: Yeah. I’m coming to get you from the airport.

MR JONES: I’d like that.

JACK: Me and Gwen both are. We’re going to pick you up on the way to a liaison meeting with CPD.

MR JONES: I don’t get a shower or change of clothes?

JACK: You can change in the SUV.

MR JONES: Stop being a bastard Jack. You’re making me upset. I’m really missing you and I just want to get home.

JACK: I ... well ... okay, I’ll move the meeting.

MR JONES: *hugs and kisses*

JACK: I want you home, too.

MR JONES: *holds close* We’ll see each other on Monday.

JACK: 5 days.

MR JONES: 5 little days.

JACK: *snuggles*
JACK: Just so you know, I didn’t miss you so much I’ve been crossing off days on the calendar.

MR JONES: Perleassse ... the world knows you’ve circled Monday with a big red love-heart of glitter glue.

JACK: I didn’t!
JACK: Well ... not glitter glue anyway.

MR JONES: Heh. I’ve got to go now. We’re going for a meal with a couple of people from the street my mam’s moving to.
MR JONES: Have a parting gift:
MR JONES: Incoming File | Accept or Reject

JACK: Bootiful ... and do I spy stubble? How did you let that happen??

MR JONES: I'm praticing being manly ;-P

JACK: You have fun at dinner, anyways.

MR JONES: I promise xx


MR JONES has left the conversation





FIN




Okie dokie, this was the 20th part of my IM series (or IM-verse as griza calls it :D ), so I just thought I'd tap a spoon on a wine glass, bring the party to a momentary halt and say a few thank yous. Basically, I'm quite bad at thanking people. S to avoid any kind of mis-remembrance, favouritism or disappointment, I'd just like to everyone in the world ever.

Silver xx


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