Torchwood IMs: Sorry, Mam ... I mean ... Gwen

[a_silver_story]

Title: Sorry Mam ... I mean ... Gwen.
Chapter: 17
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Author: a_silver_story
Genre Humour
Rating: PG
Warnings: M.M
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: Gwen gives a presentation and Ianto and Jack need to entertain themselves ... then Ianto reveals he has a BIG problem. (the double entendre was intended)



01 | Ianto and Gwen's IM's
02 | Ianto and Southern Comfort
03 | Skiving with Captain Andy
04 | Ianto and Jack's IMs
05 | Tosh? Gossiping? Never!
06 | What Toshiko Saw ... (Prose)
07 | Captain Andy handles the Force
08 | Ianto and SOCO Strikes Back
09 | Into the Boardroom (Prose)
10 | Ianto's, Tosh's, Gwen and Jack's IMs
11 | Ianto and Rhys' IMs
12 | Obtained File: CPD/Torchwood Liaison Meeting #13
13 | What Toshiko Wants (Prose)
14 | The In-Laws
15 | Mike
15 | Ianto and Jack's Snuggles













There's a mention of my humur one-shot Ianto's Secret if you care to be up to speed.





MR JONES has entered the conversation

JACK: Goooooood morning.
JACK: Now what’s a handsome young boy like you doing in a place like this?

MR JONES: Trying to sit down without Gwen noticing me wincing.

JACK: Och been there, sister!
JACK: Do you honestly think she believes we’re listening?

MR JONES: Probably. The least we can do is humour her.

JACK: “Let’s get laptops and pretend we’re taking notes.” = Best Idea All Week.

MR JONES: I’ve decided to add this presentation to my list of “Top 5 Most Boring Meetings Ianto’s Ever Been Forced to Sit in Ever”.

JACK: Tell me you don’t actually keep that list.

MR JONES: Of course I don’t.

JACK: You bloody do, don’t you?

MR JONES: Haha. You’re making me smile a bit. Stop it or Gwen will catch us!

JACK: Hehe. She’s talking about homoerectus.

MR JONES: Hahahahahaha I know. I’m just glad you did the giggle first.

JACK: Haha. It says homo.

MR JONES: Hehe! It says “erectus”.

JACK: She keeps saying it. Maybe she expects us to laugh.

MR JONES: Given the look I just got, I think she expects us to absorb this like a sponge and take a surprise quiz later in the week.

JACK: Ahhh. I’m busy all week.

MR JONES: Me too. Demanding job. Demanding partner. I have very little time for homoerectus pop quizzes.

JACK: Think of something flirtatious and witty to say to Gwen afterwards.

MR JONES: Captain Harkness, you underestimate me.

JACK: You’ve already got something?

MR JONES: “That was a great presentation Gwen. I certainly learned a lot ... and if you ever need a thorough practical session on erectus, Jack will be able to tell you when I’m available ....”
MR JONES: I end that sentence on ellipsis as I feel a slap may bring it short.

JACK: lmao. That slap will be worth it! You have to say it when I’m still here.

MR JONES: You can give my burning cheek a kiss better.

JACK: Surely a lick will be more soothing?

MR JONES: After Gwen has gone, maybe ;)
MR JONES: Jack, stop staring at the screen. She just asked you something!

JACK: What did she ask me?

MR JONES: Just ask her to repeat the question.
MR JONES: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha! You fell for it!

JACK: Tit. I can’t believe you did that.

MR JONES: Her face!!

JACK: Stop smiling like a goon. She’ll know something’s going on.

MR JONES: Well she couldn’t have honestly expected us to sit through a whole hour of babble about crap she’s googled.

JACK: She’s trying.

MR JONES: Can I give a presentation about how my Archiving system works? Or should I give a presentation on coffee beans and their correct preparation?

JACK: Only if we get a practical demonstration of how to work the coffee machine. You’re the only one who can do it.

MR JONES: That’s because you’re all simpletons. It’s fairly easy.

JACK: Did you put DNA recognition on it?

MR JONES: No ... but that’s a good idea.
MR JONES: Jack! Come back to earth!

JACK: Sorry. I was reminiscing about the time I told Owen he was on coffee duty.

MR JONES: *hmph*

JACK: Your face ... I wish I’d taken a photo. I really, really wish I’d taken a photo.

MR JONES: Screencap the CCTV.

JACK: Do records go back that far?

MR JONES: The CCTV goes back to about 1995. It’s kept on separate hard drives in the Archives.

JACK: How do you know more about this place than me?

MR JONES: You signed for the hard drives when they arrived in 2000.

JACK: I think it’s vaguely coming back to me.

MR JONES: Uh oh. Gwen asked you something.
MR JONES: For real this time.

JACK: Not falling for that again.

MR JONES: Seriously. Why do you think she’s stop talking?

JACK: Laryngitis?

MR JONES: Jack! She’s going to know something’s up; just bloody say something to her!


JACK has left the conversation




3:16 PM

JACK has entered the conversation


JACK: Well, that was a royal bollocking.

MR JONES: It’s our own fault.

JACK: Can’t believe you said “Sorry Mam” at the end though. I couldn’t stop giggling like a twelve year old girl.

MR JONES: She asked for it. She tried to ground us!

JACK: Haha! I didn’t think of it like that.

MR JONES: It’s because you’re old and boring.

JACK: I prefer to think of it as wise and enigmatic.

MR JONES: Sometimes your modesty is too much, Mr. Harkness.

JACK: Captain

MR JONES: Haha! I knew you’d do that!

JACK: What?

MR JONES: Correct your title.

JACK: :-P

MR JONES: I think we should maybe stop being so bratty to Gwen.
MR JONES: I think the presentations and team meetings and everything are her way of keeping busy. Her way of dealing with what happened to Tosh and Owen.

JACK: Maybe being bratty is how we’re dealing with what happened?

MR JONES: Then we’ll be bratty with each other. Making things harder for her will make it difficult for her to move on. We can’t cut ourselves off from the rest of the team as much. Well, I say rest of the team. The other team member.

JACK: Oh god ... now that you say “team” I’m having flashbacks to the “NO I IN TEAM” part of the bollocking ...

MR JONES: Haha.
MR JONES: No ... there is no “i” in team - but there is a “me”, and me wants Jacky to come up to the Tourist Office and show me whether or not he can fit into that tiny space under my desk ...

JACK: Only if I get a cushion.

MR JONES: It’s still there from yesterday morning.

JACK: Haha. I can’t believe Gwen walked in ...

MR JONES: She’s never here at 7 am. It’s like she knew.

JACK: She has Janto sensors.

MR JONES: Janto? You’re co-joining our names?

JACK: I didn’t think of it. The fangirls did!

MR JONES: How clever of them.

JACK: I’ll be up in about 10 mins. I need to peel all the stickers off this Rubik’s Cube and make it look like I’ve done it.

MR JONES: Didn’t I still call you “sir” when you started that Rubik’s Cube?

JACK: Aww. I kinda miss you calling me sir.

MR JONES: Next time you manage to get me tied up, I’ll have to go retro with the honorifics. ;)

JACK: Hehe! Can’t wait.

MR JONES: Ohhh I meant to tell you!!!!
MR JONES: I have a BIG problem.

JACK: I told you. I’ll be up in ten and I can kiss it better.

MR JONES: ... I meant an actual problem.

JACK: Oh. Go on.

MR JONES: The bush fires in Australia have burned my mam’s house to the ground.

JACK: Does she want you to go out there?

MR JONES: Yes.

JACK: How long for?

MR JONES: Three weeks.

JACK: No.

MR JONES: What?

JACK: Two weeks.

MR JONES: She originally asked for six. I persuaded her to half it.

JACK: Can’t Rhiannon go?

MR JONES: She says she’s “busy”.

JACK: Fuck her. She can go!

MR JONES: Woahhhh I’ve never heard you swear when not having sex before.

JACK: Three weeks!!
JACK: What about terrorists?

MR JONES: The likelihood of terrorism on a flight to Australia is really small.

JACK: Damn. I wish Torchwood had a jet.

MR JONES: I told you: NO. JET.
MR JONES: You being Batman was only hypothetical.

JACK: Please don’t go.

MR JONES: It’s my mam, Jack.
MR JONES: ... and I never asked for monogamy.

JACK: It’s not about sex, it’s about (message cancelled)
JACK: Doesn’t matter.
JACK: Don’t go selling anything to get flights again. Use the Torchwood account.

MR JONES: Really?

JACK: Make sure you stay in a really nice hotel. I need photies of you on the beach, by the pool and with a parrot.

MR JONES: Noted!

JACK: Take Rhiannon with you. Tell her I’m paying and I don’t expect anything in return.

MR JONES: You’d do that? She wasn’t exactly nice about you.

JACK: I know – but your mam will want her there.

MR JONES: Aww. See I told you you’d love my mam!

JACK: She deserves a better daughter ... and if she ever makes you cry like you did after that IM conversation again, she’ll be receiving parking tickets left right and centre.

MR JONES: You’re so silly.

JACK: Make sure you keep your phone on and your laptop safe – and make sure you can get internet. I want a phone call every now and then or at least a text or email.

MR JONES: I’m sure I can manage that.

JACK: Have you decided when you’re going?

MR JONES: Just texting Rhiannon now.

JACK: Okay.
JACK: Come downstairs. I’ll send Gwen to get Starbucks.

MR JONES: I thought you were coming up here.

JACK: I've changed my mind.
JACK: I want you on my bed.
JACK: I want to make love to you.

MR JONES: Oh ... I think that turns me on more than anything I’ve ever known.


MR JONES has left the conversation


JACK: You and me both, kid.


FIN



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